Ten years ago today I was having lunch at a restaurant - it was the first and last time I would ever eat there. The food wasn't bad - in all honesty I couldn't tell you what I had even ordered. I was there with my younger sister and my fantastically flamboyant friend Garrett.
Though hard to imagine, this was a time before Facebook and even before texting - the information highway was fast, but not the lightening speed that it is today.
Now my sister, Kelsey, and Garrett were still high school students, while I had just finished my first year of university. As commonly happens, my friend circle had changed in the many months leading up to this fateful day. Not for any reason other than natural ebbs and flows of life and friendship, I had fallen out of touch with the friends I had spent time with in high school.
Those days of playing cards in the cafeteria and eating lunch on a window ledge just inside the front doors of kennebecasis valley high had faded into driving adventures throughout saint John featuring the Cecelia car dance and exploring the city in which we lived, also known as stalking our crushes.
It wasn't as though I had forgotten about singing American Pie and having our moms take us to the mall, or even the basement parties. I occasionally even thought about calling, but I never did.
I used to beat myself up about this, but I don't anymore. As I age, I understand more and more that these things happen.
Back to Aug. 11, 2002.
Now Garrett was (and likely still is) the king of all things fun and social. He had a large cross section of friends, but had this innate ability to make you feel like you were the most important when you were together. He also has this ability to make the mundane magical. With all of his sparkle, he also occasionally lacked tact at the time.
As we ate, he remarked about something he had seen on msn messenger earlier that morning.
"Oh my god! Did. You hear about Amanda Dobson?! I think she's dead."
He had no idea that she and I had once been close friends.
I felt my heart sink and the world stop and felt myself get short of breath and all of the colour drain from my face.
I mustered all of my strength to respond.
"How do you know? What happened?!"
He didn't know any more details.
I couldn't simply text a friend or check Facebook - it really was a different time.
The only phone number I had memorized was richard's.
He was once one of my best friends - he even accompanied me to my high school prom.
His mom directed a choir I once sang in.
When his dad answered the call, I asked for Richard - he was with the rest of the old gang because they had been keeping vigil since the accident had occurred.
Mr. Clark told me that Amanda had been registering for courses at st. Thomas university and she and her boyfriend struck a moose on their way home. She was on life support for two full days before the plug was pulled. She had just passed away within the hour.
His dad told me where everyone was. Without thinking, I got up from the table and all but ran to my little blue Toyota corolla. My sister ended up paying my bill and they managed to catch up to me before I inadvertently left them behind.
I probably shouldn't have been driving - I honestly have no recollection of dropping Kelsey and Garrett off. I only vaguely remember sitting silently with a group of people I had lost touch with.
It was truly heartbreaking...in so many ways. People were crying but I couldn't.
I felt too guilty to even let tears flow because I had dropped the ball on our friendship; I didn't deserve to mourn.
I felt like what I imagine a zombie feels like. I was just going through the motions.
Feel free to interpret this next part in whichever way you choose. I may have manifested it in my mind, or it may have been something more profound. The night before her wake, she came to me in a dream.
She basically released me from my guilt.
"it's ok kate; it's not like I called you either. I know you cared."
And then she smiled and I woke up.
I went to the wake and felt myself becoming a little bit overcome with emotion. Just as I started to feel the tears swell, her little sister looked up at me and grinned.
"it's ok to cry katelin."
This 12 year old vision of strength was making an effort to comfort me?! No, that was not acceptable. I pulled myself together and gave her a hug.
I then spoke with her mom.
"we can't sing American pie again," she said.
I gave her a hug and then quickly left. I sobbed and wailed and released everything that I had been holding inside. I finally let myself mourn the loss of this amazing young lady - this amazing friend.
Now, it's been 10 years. Through the magic of Facebook, I passively keep up with old friends and I'm sure they do the same.
I'm much more willing to accept the natural ebbs and flows of friendship, but because of Amanda, I try to express how much people mean to me in the moment.
Sometimes it's a little silly and can make conversations a little awkward, but I'm quick to compliment someone and I'm quick to express my gratitude for friendship.
And if you're reading this and we have fallen out of touch - I can guarantee that you cross my mind and that I wish nothing but the best for you.
Love, katelin
